Thursday, January 5, 2012

They May Look Like Little Oak Trees, Butt . . .

It started off as four small dots that I swore had to be some sort of bug bite. Having spent the night at some friends' house, I quickly surmised they must have bed bugs. Not wanting to be judgmental or alarm them about their apparent insect infestation, I literally sat on the problem for two days, bouncing along on a tractor seat, cutting down 40 acres of brush. Yes, the offending dots were on my derriere, my posterior, my hind end. I, um, yes. I had poison oak on my butt.
After two days of bouncing and chafing, the dots had started to ooze, and a large reddened area had blossomed on the right side. By the third day, the transformation had happened. I woke up, and my butt didn't feel right on that side. Upon further inspection, my right cheek was HUGE. Not having been blessed with any volume on my posterior side, this was grotesque in comparison. The comparison being the floppy, non-rounded cheek to the left. Not having a butt is one thing. Having a hugely lopsided, mishapen, not to mention ITCHY, and oozing butt cheek is quite another. And I was just starting a run of shifts at the hospital. I found that sitting on a bag of ice was the only soothing action I could take. Numbness was my friend. For an entire week.
The moral of this story is, no matter how disgusting the bathroom is at the local fishing hole, do not, I repeat DO NOT squat in the forest.

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